Alyssa Milano says that she carried guilt that her two miscarriages were ‘punishment’ for two abortions she had in her 20s.
The 48-year-old actress shares a ten-year-old son, Milo, and a seven-year-old daughter, Elizabella, with her husband David Bugliari, but she miscarried twice along the way.
In this week’s episode of People’s new podcast ‘Me Becoming Mom,’ she admitted that for a time, part of her believed that those two lost pregnancies were karmic retribution for a pair of pregnancies she chose to terminate years before — and it took her going to therapy to work through those guilty feelings.
‘I definitely had this moment of, “Well, we’re being punished, basically, for abortions in my 20s.” And it took me — I didn’t realize that at the time,’ she said. ‘It took a while in therapy to realize that that was something that I was putting on myself.
Once she had her two kids, she said, she would worry that something might happen to them, and that it would be ‘karmic resolution.’
Candid: Alyssa Milano says that she carried guilt that her two miscarriages were ‘punishment’ for two abortions she had in her 20s
No regrets: The 48-year-old actress previously revealed she had two abortions in 1993 (pictured around that time with her then-boyfriend, Party of Five star Scott Wolf)
Milano previously discussed getting two abortions when she was in her early 20s in 1993, speaking candidly about the experience in a 2019 episode of her podcast, Alyssa Milano: Sorry Not Sorry.
‘I knew at that time, I was not equipped to be a mother, and so I chose to have an abortion. I chose. It was my choice. And it was absolutely the right choice for me,’ she said about opting to undergo the first procedure.
‘It was not an easy choice. It was not something I wanted, but it was something that I needed, like most health care is,’ she went on, adding that it was ‘devastating,’ particularly given that she was raised Catholic and the decision was in conflict with her faith.
She continued to use birth control after the first abortion, but got pregnant again months later — and chose to get a second abortion.
Despite the guilt she felt about her miscarriages, Milano still stands by the choices she made in her 20s.
‘My inability to not be a selfish 20-year-old was reason enough,’ she told People this week. ‘But then there was a lot that I wanted to do before I had children. And the point was, I was given a choice to control my life, to control my own destiny.’
Family: The actress shares a ten-year-old son, Milo, and a seven-year-old daughter, Elizabella, with her husband David Bugliari
Trigger: Milano said feeling like she was being held down and having things done to her when she gave birth to her son Milo in 2011 (pictured) was ‘reminiscent of being sexually assaulted’
Guilt aside, miscarrying was ‘a bummer.’ She and her husband immediately began trying to conceive after they got married, and Milano got pregnant right away — and lost it.
‘I don’t think I was prepared for it, but the way it was explained to me was that, if there is something that your body cannot produce or is lacking in order to have this particular baby, the pregnancy will take care of itself,’ she said.
‘My whole thought was, there was something wrong and it wasn’t the right time,’ she added.
She then gave birth to Milo, but while trying for baby number two, she had a second miscarriage.
‘It was a bummer. I know that a lot of women take miscarriages very hard, but for me, it was part of the process, I guess,’ she said.
‘Both miscarriages were, I think I was maybe 7 or 8 weeks pregnant, so if it wasn’t viable, my body did what it was supposed to do. I still look at it like that.
‘It felt like I got the two pregnancies I was supposed to get. And that’s how I kind of looked at it the entire time,’ she said.
But her guilt kicked in again after having her two children, and she has still worried about something bad happening to them.
Realization: Milano (pictured with her husband David Bugliari) said giving birth ‘triggered all of these memories’ that she thought she had dealt with
‘The way I interacted or was with my children — and I think this is common — but I always felt like, “What if something happens to these two little beings that I love so much? And is there a world in which they’re taken away from me for whatever karmic resolution needed to happen?”‘ she said.
Also in the podcast, Milano opened up about having flashbacks of being sexually assaulted when she gave birth for the first time, saying it ‘triggered all of these memories.’
‘I remembered at one point [during childbirth] really not enjoying the fact that lots of people had access to my vagina,’ Milano told host Zoë Ruderman.
‘And thinking to myself, “Why does — I don’t like this. Why does it feel so familiar? I’ve never had a baby before. Why does this invasive feeling feel so familiar?” That was just a fleeting moment, a tick in time, but I didn’t forget about it.’
Later, when she was undergoing therapy for postpartum anxiety and depression, she was able to better understand her experience.
‘After going through therapy after giving birth to Milo and remembering that one moment of feeling like I was being held down and had things being done to me that I didn’t want, to me, was very reminiscent of being sexually assaulted,’ Milano said.
Trauma: Milano (pictured in 1992) revealed in 2018 that she had been sexually assaulted twice, including once when she was a teenager
‘It triggered all of these memories that I thought I had dealt with. I think anyone who has dealt with trauma has the moments where you’re like, ‘”Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve dealt with that.” Versus the moments where you go, “Oh, no I didn’t. I just tried to tuck it away so no one could see them or I couldn’t see them or feel them anymore.”‘
She added: ‘I gotta think that because it felt that way for me, it must’ve felt that way for other women. I wonder how much of my postpartum anxiety was due to — of course, hormones and all of the things — but also that feeling that felt like I wasn’t in control, you know?’
In 2018, Milano revealed on Twitter that she is a survivor of sexual assault, writing: ‘I was sexually assaulted twice. Once when I was a teenager. I never filed a police report and it took me 30 years to tell my parents.’
Using the #WhyIDidntReport hashtag, she spoke of the harrowing ordeal in response to President Donald Trump’s tweet questioning the credibility of Christine Blasey Ford’s sexual misconduct allegations against then-Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.
Using her voice: ‘I gotta think that because it felt that way for me, it must’ve felt that way for other women,’ Milano said of her childbirth experience
The activist later recounted one of the traumatic sexual assaults during an emotional speech that was filmed at Sen. Susan Collins’ office.
Milano said she was 19 years old and at a ‘very famous’ pop star’s concert when there was a ‘stampede’ that had her fearing for her life.
‘People were smashed against each other. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was gonna die, she explained. ‘From behind me, I felt a hand up my skirt and I was punched repeatedly in the vagina.
‘I couldn’t turn around. I looked to the stage, and I looked to the security guards, and I said, “Please help me” and they couldn’t help me. They shook their heads.
‘I managed to break free and I climbed up the stage to get away from my predator. I turned around and I didn’t know which one it was. I looked to the sea of people and I couldn’t find him.’
Source: | This article originally belongs to Dailymail.co.uk
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