Timothy Simons as Jonah Ryan.Writing comedy is not a scientific or mathematical endeavor — except, perhaps, when it comes to devising ways to insult Jonah Ryan, who is played by the extremely tall (six-foot-four) and thin Timothy Simons.
“The Jonah insults are probably the most math-y of the insults [we write],” says David Mandel, “because there we are using insulting words hung around the frame of something that’s large or tall or big.” As writer Billy Kimball puts it, “You could make a category of things that are longer than they are wide, and then add an adjective that makes something disgusting more disgusting.” Bam! You’ve got a Jonah insult.
The writers keep a running list of all the Jonah put-downs that haven’t been used, either because they got edited out or were suggested but didn’t make the cut. (Some choice ones: Oddzilla, Jonahrrhea, tall stack of failed pancakes, the bad guy from Indiana Jones only taller, undercooked pool noodle, overcooked pool noodle, Leaning Tower of Loser, upright train accident, and Garbage Pail Adult.)
Sometimes the insults evolve as the writers revise. Here’s how that happened for one exchange between Congressman Roger Furlong (Dan Bakkedahl) and Jonah from a scene early in the finale.
From the original draft of the script:
Jonah: I just want to say for the record—
Furlong: There is no record. This meeting isn’t happening, you whale pube.
Jonah: Well, let it show that tonight’s official count cannot be trusted.
Furlong: Cheeto-flavored Christ! You will not desecrate my convention with any of that Muslim-math nonsense.
1. During the writing of the table-read script, Mandel suggests changing “whale pube” to “Kareem-on-my-face Abdul-Jabbar.” Writer Jen Crittenden offers “IchaDadBod Crane,” but Jon Stahl, a script supervisor, points out that they did an Ichabod Crane joke in a previous episode. They also punch up the Muslim-math line.
The table-read version:
Jonah: I just want to say for the record—
Furlong: There is no record. This meeting isn’t happening, Kareem-on-my-face Abdul-Jabbar.
Jonah: Well, let the no-record show that tonight’s official count cannot be trusted.
Furlong: Fiery-hot Cheeto-flavored Christ! You will not desecrate my beautiful convention with any more of that Muslim-math nonsense you’ve been smearing all over your asylum walls.
2. On the morning of the shoot, Mandel notes that someone pitched the insult “Beautiful Mind-fuck,” which he thinks is funnier than “Kareem-on-my-face Abdul-Jabbar.” Writer Pete Huyck suggests Furlong could say both. Mandel also reads some other Jonah alts: “You pile of failure shaped like a rapist,” “You monument to vaginal dryness,” “You puke-stained gorilla suit.” The first two wind up in the episode in a different scene.
The shooting-script version:
Jonah: I just want to say for the record—
Furlong: There is no record, Kareem-on-my-face Abdul-Jabbar. This meeting isn’t happening.
Jonah: Let the no-record show that the official count cannot be trusted.
Furlong: Oh no, Beautiful Mind-fuck, you will not desecrate my convention with any more of that Muslim-math nonsense you’ve been smearing all over your asylum walls.
3. Just before shooting the Furlong scene, the writers gather to punch it up yet again. It now includes an “amen” from Governor Buddy Calhoun and a line Mandel added from Furlong to Jonah: “Because you have malfunctioning Taiwanese-made Christmas lights in lieu of a nervous system, Kareem-on-my-face Jabbar.” “I like the Christmas lights,” says Lew Morton. “It’s jolly.”
The pre-shoot rewrite:
Jonah: I just want to say that the official count cannot be trusted.
Furlong: Oh no, Beautiful Mind-fuck, you will not desecrate my convention with any more of that Muslim-math nonsense you’ve been smearing all over your asylum walls.
Jonah: The only thing I smear on my asylum walls is truth! How do you explain that when I added up my delegates with Christian math, I got a very different number than the official total?
Buddy: Amen!
Furlong: Because you have malfunctioning Taiwanese-made Christmas lights in lieu of a nervous system, Kareem-on-my-face Jabbar.
4. During shooting, Bakkedahl tries some alts that change the Christmas-lights line. Now Furlong says, “Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, Hep-C Kevin McHale.” McHale is a former NBA star who, for the record, does not have hepatitis C. Mandel likes that line better and puts it in the final version.
The final version:
Jonah: I would just like to point out that the official count cannot be trusted.
Furlong: Oh no, Beautiful Mind-fuck, you are not going to desecrate my convention with any more of this Muslim-math nonsense.
Jonah: How do you explain that when I add up my delegates with Christian math—
Buddy: Amen!
Jonah: —the number is quite different than the official total?
Furlong: Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, Hep-C Kevin McHale.
*This article appears in the May 13, 2019, issue of New York Magazine. Subscribe Now!
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